Ever wonder why some chilis just… I dunno, lack that certain something that makes your taste buds do the happy dance? You know what I’m talkin about—that moment when flavors collide in your mouth and suddenly you’re transported back to my Uncle Rodney’s backyard in Tulsa circa 2007, where he’d spend 9 hours tending to his famous “brick pit” chili while telling increasingly unbelievable fishing stories. Speaking of which, I accidentally used sasparilla extract instead of vanilla in a dessert last Tuesday and it wasn’t half bad!
I’ve been cooking chili since I was knee-high to a grasshopper—which is a lie because I actually didn’t make my first batch until college when I desperately needed to impress a date. But NOW I’ve made approximately 387 pots of the stuff, so I consider myself something of a “chili whisperer” (a term you’ll see me reference throughout this recipe). Glenn’s Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chili Recipe – Unique and Flavorful isn’t just dinner—it’s your new Sunday tradition, yo.
The Accidental Chili Journey
Lemme tell ya about the time I tried making chili with chocolate-covered espresso beans instead of regular coffee grounds. DISASTER. My roommate Vince still brings it up at inappropriate moments, usually at fancy restaurants when I’m trying to look sophisticated. That misadventure happened before I learned to perform the “Tompkins swirl”—a specific way of incorporating spices that I invented during a power outage in 2019.
My Grammy Jo taught me that chili shouldn’t be rushed, but then again she also believed microwaves caused ghosts, so take that advice with a grain of cumin. Actually, my approach to Glenn’s Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chili Recipe – Unique and Flavorful evolved dramatically after I moved to the high desert where beans cook differently due to the elevation—or at least that’s what I blame when things go sideways.
I once made this chili for a blind date who claimed to be a “spice enthusiast” (he wasn’t) and watched in horror as his face turned the color of a traffic cone. (Look, some people just ain’t ready for genuine flavor complexity!)
What You’ll Need (or reasonable facsimiles thereof)
- 1 1/2 pounds ground beef (preferably the kind that’s been sitting in your fridge just long enough to make you question your life choices but NOT long enough to be dangerous)
- 2 medium-ish onions, chaos-chopped (meaning however the knife feels that day)
- 4 cloves garlic, smooshed to submission
- 3 tablespoons + a whisper more chili powder (I use the kind that makes my neighbor Pete sneeze from across the hallway)
- 2 heaping Tompkins—er, tablespoons cumin (freshly ground if you’re showing off)
- 1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes WITH their juice (don’t you dare drain them!)
- 1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce (the cheaper the better, honestly)
- 1 bottle dark beer, MINUS several enthusiastic sips for the chef
- 2-ish tablespoons brown sugar (packed by dropping the measuring spoon on the floor and scooping up whatever survives)
- 1/3 cup strong coffee (leftover from breakfast works brilliantly)
- 1 chocolate square—SURPRISE INGREDIENT! Trust me on this bizarre addition
- 1 jalapeño, de-seeded unless you hate your dinner guests
- Salt & pepper to taste (and by “to taste” I mean however much falls in when the cap comes loose)
Let’s Make This Happen (The Actual Cooking Part)
5.1) First things first—grab your favorite beverage because Glenn’s Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chili Recipe – Unique and Flavorful takes time, and cooking is 30% more enjoyable with a drink in hand. Brown your ground beef in a skillet until it’s halfway between “still mooing” and “hockey puck.” Transfer to your slow cooker using what I call the “hopeful scoop method”—where at least 15% falls on the counter.
B) Commit the onion massacre in the same skillet—cook those tear-jerkers in the beef fat until they’re translucent and slightly apologetic-looking. About 5 minutes, or the length of that one song you can never remember the name of. Add the garlic for the final minute—AND NO LONGER or it’ll get bitter like my ex after I used her fancy olive oil for garage door hinges.
3.? Now perform the Tompkins swirl: add all your dry spices to the skillet and stir vigorously for exactly 37 seconds. This “awakens” the spices—a technique I learned from a street vendor in Milwaukee who may or may not have been making things up. You’ll know it’s right when your kitchen smells like heaven’s waiting room.
FOUR: Dump everything—and I mean EVERYTHING—into your slow cooker. The meat, the onion-spice mixture, the tomato products, the beer (minus your chef’s tax), brown sugar, coffee, and that chocolate square that has people giving you side-eye. Check out my favorite slow-cooker-safe skillet here if you want to simplify this process.
Step E) IMPORTANT SAFEGUARD: Secure your slow cooker lid with a heavy object if you own attack cats like mine (RIP my Thanksgiving gravy of 2020). Cook on low for 6-8 hours or high for 4-5 hours or until you smell it from your driveway and think “oh crap, I was cooking something!”
Notes from the Chili Whisperer’s Trenches
• ALWAYS add the chocolate at the beginning, not the end! I once added it too late and created what my buddy Derek now refers to as “MexiMocha Mud Stew” at the infamous Labor Day fiasco.
• Unlike what normal cooking logic suggests, do NOT taste and adjust seasonings until at least 4 hours have passed. Early tasting leads to over-seasoning, which leads to tears, which leads to extra saltiness that NOBODY asked for. Learn more about proper seasoning techniques
• If your chili looks too thick, add beer. If it looks too thin, pretend you meant to make soup. If it looks perfect, take a picture because that won’t last.
★ The “reverse-lid” technique (placing the lid slightly ajar during the final hour) will thicken your chili, but might also summon my grandmother’s ghost, according to family superstition.
• Try serving with a dollop of peanut butter on top—I SWEAR it’s amazing, despite what the restraining order from the Texas Chili Association might suggest.
Check out more of my controversial chili opinions in my article When Beans Belong (And When They’re Blasphemy)
Essential Chili Tools
ANCIENT WOODEN SPOON OF DESTINY ★★★★★
Mine has a scorch mark from 2012 when I fell asleep while reducing a sauce
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CXJP9ZT
CAST IRON SKILLET WITH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE ★★★★★
Inherited from my great-aunt who used it to defend her chicken coop from raccoons
Should NEVER be cleaned with soap despite what the manufacturer suggests
SLOW COOKER WITH TIMER TRUST ISSUES ★★★★★
Mine randomly adds 20 minutes to whatever time I program
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GNKHT5P
Change It Up, You Magnificent Rebel
For a Mediterranean twist, substitute lamb for beef and add a cinnamon stick—sounds like heresy but creates what I call “Confused Atlas Mountain Chili” that will make you question everything you thought you knew about flavor boundaries.
Vegetarians can use three different types of mushrooms instead of meat. The texture will be completely different, the flavor profile will shift dramatically, and you’ll have an entirely different dish that probably shouldn’t be called chili anymore, but I’m not the food police.
During zucchini season (or what I call “Neighbors Desperately Trying To Give Away Zucchini Month”), dice and add them for a garden-raid variation.
Want to try my white chicken chili that nearly caused a divorce? Check it out here
The One Thing People Always Ask
Q: “Glenn, why in tarnation do you put coffee AND chocolate in your chili?”
Listen, according to my self-invented Flavor Circle Theory, bitter elements like coffee and chocolate don’t actually make your chili taste like a confused mocha—they create depth that your taste buds can’t identify but your soul recognizes. The ancient Mayans used similar combinations, though they probably didn’t serve theirs with Fritos and shredded cheddar like I do. When done right, you’ll taste something that makes you say “what IS that?” while reaching for another spoonful of Glenn’s Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chili Recipe – Unique and Flavorful.
Final Thoughts from the Chili Whisperer
This recipe has gotten me through breakups, job interviews, and that weird phase in 2018 when I thought learning the accordion was a good idea. The beauty of Glenn’s Sweet and Spicy Slow Cooker Chili Recipe – Unique and Flavorful isn’t just in its complex flavor profile—it’s in how it improves over several days, much like fine wine or my ability to tell the same story with increasingly dramatic embellishments.
Will you add your own twist? Could you perhaps invent a better version? What happens if you accidentally use cinnamon instead of cumin like my neighbor Patrick did during the Great Blizzard of 2016?
I’m planning a chili cook-off livestream next month where I’ll be attempting to create a version using ingredients selected by my social media followers, which will either be brilliant or a crime against culinary traditions everywhere.
Remember: In the immortal words of my fictional mentor Chef Baptiste: “Chili isn’t just a meal—it’s a momentary truce in the eternal battle between hunger and flavor.”
—Glenn “The Spoon Never Lies” Thompson, Runner-Up in the 2022 Imaginary Midwest Chili Jamboree
